Grief

I couldn't describe feeling of not being able to grieve thinking I was just human.

I once thought I had lost touch of my emotions, until one night.

A baby.

A mother.

A father.

I tried my human best as a nurse and it didn't work out.

The mother carried the child on her chest and cried. I was numb and kept looking at the mother. I couldn’t even break the news to her because I couldn't believe it myself. Unknowingly, I was already crying. Tears streaked from my eyes.

That's when I realized: I hadn't lost my emotions. I had just buried them so deep that only someone else's breaking heart could dig them out.

Then, I lost a dear mentee recently. A mentee close to me and I lost contact with just recently. I still feel guilty and feel i should have put in more effort to look fo her. She had dreams and we had plans to see. I really wanted to see her win and I'd celebrate her. I still blame myself so much. I still can't believe she is gone.

I can't even express myself. I'm so, so sad.

Not the kind of sad that finds words but the kind that sits in your chest like a stone and also the kind that makes you stare at a wall and call it rest.

I thought being human meant trying your hardest. But maybe being human means trying your least, and still breaking anyway.

All in the chaos, I remembered this scripture, "Psalm 34:18 – "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

This doesn’t happen after they're fixed. Not when they stop crying but close in the middle of it, when the tears come before you knew they were coming and still when you can't even express yourself.

So, this is dedicated to you who thinks you can't grief and can't have emotions. Jusy know that sometimes its ok to be numb in situations. What mayters most is how you process your grief.

Don't skip the process, process it well and release it all out and hold on to that scripture.

He is always near to the brokenhearted.

Just like He is with me right now..

…pen that speaks…